She is GIRL

Published May 5, 2016 by tangle2312

I didn’t want to gender to ever be an issue, I wanted them to be left to just explore and play, to be kids.

Source: She is GIRL

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She is GIRL

Published May 5, 2016 by tangle2312

 

I am mother of 3, the boys came first, I have always been fierce in that they were allowed to just be, to run naked and wild, to wear nail polish and curling rollers in their hair, to dress up like super heroes or just play with dolls, I didn’t want to gender to ever be an issue, I wanted them to be left to just explore and play, to be kids.

Angel seemed to spend much of his life naked, as soon as he could the clothes would be stripped, flung from one side of the room to the other, in all weathers there he was naked in welly boots, perfect!

Old soul had his moments but always pretty much kept himself to himself, as he grew up he naturally covered himself I don’t ever remember having to tell him to cover up or to stop fiddling, I think he spent more time adding layers than removing them, always dressed for battle, in his chain mail and capes!

boudicca 2 Read the rest of this entry →

So what the hell is Conscious awareness?

Published April 24, 2016 by tangle2312

 

I choose to live with conscious awareness, awareness of how I treat the Earth and all those who inhabit her. I choose to live with honesty and integrity. I choose to live in tune to myself and have a true understanding of others. I’d say it is the way in which we choose to behave and interact with all living things, in short healthy self-management.

We hear the words conscious awareness being banded around like it’s some secret club only the enlightened can be part of, I have repeatedly read many an article about this wonderful state of being, so ever the seeker in my quest for truth and enlightenment I decided to write post of what being conscious means to me.

eckhart

 

I know my own journey ebbs and flows, I  look back and see the journey unfolding, how I lay stagnant for periods while manifesting new pastures, after two years of searching, living and learning the latest lesson came with a mighty wallop! ‘Have that one in your face, and learn from it this time will you!’ I’m laughing now because this time I see so clearly the path I’m walking, it’s just mine to keep expanding with love and care. The grieving process had to be allowed to take over, but I welcomed her with all she was and yup like a wild women ‘howled’ the pain through every fragment of my being, to come out the other side with a firm clarity and clearness of who I am even if I have no idea where I’m headed, it really doesn’t matter. Read the rest of this entry →

HER

Published April 16, 2016 by tangle2312

I have wondered to myself why she should get a mention here in what is my journal for moving forward, my place to record the smalls and their many escapades. Because whether I liked it or not she has now become a part of my children’s lives. I know nothing about her apart from the brief bit of stalking I did in the early days, which is nothing but natural, though I was accused of harassing his girlfriend a week after we separated!

I have to listen to stories of the weekend’s the children spend in her company and smile sweetly, as though I’m really pleased for them. I hear she won’t come to into Cornwall because of me, I hear it through the children, this troubles me. I would imagine a fine picture has been painted of me as the crazy, cold-hearted, ex-wife, or some similar generic bullshit men of this ilk seem to tell, though there are many women I’m sure who do the same. In reality it’s just pained people, hard to see that truth sometimes. Read the rest of this entry →

Wholesome is as wholesome does

Published April 12, 2016 by tangle2312

Wow, wow, wow! What can I say our first month in our new nest is nearly done and dusted. You know when you feel you’ve come home, we’ll were here, we’re home. The children have really settled, Angel boy helping where he could, watching the care he took to put all of his belongings into place in his room, he’s met the neighbours children  and zoomed of down the road on his scooter.

For the first time in months I feel nourished, I feel able to honour my soul with music and creativity, oh how I have missed you music, you are the backdrop to my world,  I see the children thrive, watching their bodies naturally groove away. We are cooking wholesome soups and stews, to nourish our immune systems, and the garden has invited us to play, there are a bunch of Canada geese that fly over most evenings, the sunsets from out of the dining room window with the crimson skyline and piercing orange sun on it’s way to bed, well for us anyway.

We had to sell the television, best move we have made so far! I’m so glad we left that giant intrusive box behind, everyday there are paints or drawing projects scattered around, books we are reading, a pile of permaculture magazines and a head full of ideas.

Little Squirrel has a new mud café, having made firm friends with our neighbour, who is piling on the calories with the many mudcakes she consumes everyday! I love the way our neighbour offers me everything she is going to throw out, as though she already knows I’ll put most thing  to good use. I can’t say I didn’t learn anything from my marriage I am truly grateful for our view to reduce, reuse, recycle there is an internal feeling of care when you care for the ground you walk upon. I am trying really hard to get to the end of the week with one bin bag, so far so good…

Money is tight, in fact it has been incredibly hard, but I have been supported by he most incredible bunch of humans this year, I have had friends and family giving me space and emotional support, then there has been practical support with food boxes and money, I am truly grateful and just hope this year I will reach back out to others.

They say it takes a good year, when a relationship breaks down, and I really do feel that corner has been turned, we are carving out a new life for ourselves, and most of the time I am really smiling, but there are moments, moments of overwhelming sadness, of where I miss my best friend, the man I’ve turned to for 15 years, the man I trusted with all my heart and soul,  who I feel I no longer know at all. I am now in a place where  I know it’s okay, I am allowed to still feel the aches and the pangs, it’s all part of the process.

I still feel pretty insular and know more could be done to put myself out there, but these kinds of experiences they change who you are, strip you to the core and tire you out. Your confidence gets battered,  I felt someone had stolen my mojo, my banter, my laughter, but I have found my self giggling away, enjoying company rather than sitting in company, but away in my own mind. Love really is a crazy thing… but I’m so glad we had what we did, or at least glad I did anyway, even if we can’t look back together, I have my own memories and my own take on things, whatever happens, no matter how harsh the outcomes, I hope he will be truly and wholly happy.

 

 

Reconnecting

Published April 12, 2016 by tangle2312

Reconnecting…

How different things were at the sweet young age of 19, pregnant with my first born, scared shitless, never had I held a baby before or come to think of it I was pretty sure there was no maternal bones in my body, no idea what to expect, yet at the same time I was already writing my story, a story of how parenthood was going to be. My story was already carved deeply into my bones, the subconscious patterns we all carry from generation to generation, until we feel the pain deep enough to waken , to do the hard work to make the changes for ourselves, our children, and their children.

My first born was an ‘Old Soul’ I felt this from the moment he was born, a spirited, knowing, sensitive young man. I was given the chance to listen to him. I chose not to,  not a conscious choice, it was the wrong choice, I didn’t know any better at the time. I was going to do things my way, my parents way, my grandparents way, the doctors way, my friends way, I had no idea and I was relying on the advice of my forerunners, they knew best I knew nothing.

One of my first memories is of our first night in the hospital, I didn’t even hold my baby boy upon his birth, and I waited until the staff had given him a bath. Looking back I was so disconnected I was too scared to breast feed, I remember trying secretly one time to no avail. The midwife advised me to put him in the hospital nursery to sleep as I wouldn’t be getting a full night’s sleep for a while, so I did as I was advised. Talk about starting our time together on this planet with complete separation. I naturally let my mother take the reins when we got home, and so this went on year in year out.

Old Soul turned out to be a high need baby, with severe colic and reflux, he would scream endlessly for hours. My parents struggled to deal with this and if their parenting expertise couldn’t help, then how could I, it scared the life out of me.  And so this pattern kept on as he grew with him shouting, being incredibly needy, highly intelligent, persistent, regular meltdowns, me wondering why, what was his problem? Was it his absent father? Asperger syndrome? attachment disorder of some sort? Was he an indigo child? I spent many years looking for answers for what could be wrong, in all that time I never thought to look to myself.

 It took 13 years…for me to learn, to learn to listen, to learn to play, to learn to trust, to give him his power, for me to lose all expectation of what, who and how I thought he ought to be.  Upon those foundations we have built a solid and I hope I can say beautiful relationship, I have felt very much as though we struggled for years but the older he got the better we connected, the older I also got finding my feet in the world of parenting, learning to follow my heart and trust my instincts.

Attachment parenting for me especially with older children is very much about letting them go, letting them discover what works for them, allowing them to teach you and not trying  to teach, simply being there always to hold them firmly when they wobble, but allowing them the freedom’s to experiment with finding their own way. Such a time of carving out identity, they will stumble and fall, but and I hope I was always be to there, not to chastise or condone but just to scaffold them, so they know there is always someone holding their foundations while they are confronted with many new experiences, from first heartbreaks, to the pressures of education, perhaps dabbling with alcohol and drugs. I hope to answer their questions as candidly and unbiasedly as I can and to let them go again.

I also feel as they grow and break away, it is important for them to not feel my neediness, that my life is fulfilled, that they are not my whole life.

I also feel very strongly about the way I react in public to minor misdemeanours by my children, this is one of my hardest learning curves with parenting older children, not to feel pressured by those around me to ‘tell my children off’ I have struggled with this so many times, even lost friendships over it. It becomes harder as they grow, people are far more accepting of what they classify as ‘bad behaviour’ with young ones. It certainly grows your confidence as a parent to have faith and trust in the path you’ve chosen, the children feel this, and respond positively, when I wobble, they wobble!  I do have boundaries, a lot of the time the children will know what a ‘boo boo’ they have made immediately after an action, I see it in their faces, I don’t need to humiliate them in public or private. We do talk, hopefully with sensitivity.  I want to know they are aware of the consequences of actions the good and not so good, how different people feel, and react, how they feel about others and themselves.

Attachment parenting older children to me is allowing your children to be wholly themselves, to go into the world with an open heart and mind, to be resilient, to accept failures as a learning process, and move forward.

 For me it’s about really listening to each child, being aware how different they are and hopefully responding in a way that is sensitive to each of their needs. Also to simply hold space for them when they need it, for them to know I’m never too busy, or if I’m busy in that moment I will find the time later.  I want to put in firm but healthy boundaries and for them to have a total understanding of why these are in place.

Nothing in our house ever ‘just is’ they always have the right to question. I am a huge believer in freedom of speech, so our house can at times feel chaotic, I allow the children many freedoms, I let the odd swear word go by the by, knowing more often than not it is simple experimenting with words. We are not always gentle, there can be rough play, but it’s knowing the line when it goes too far, this is often stumbled upon naturally when the tears come, then comes discussion. Maybe my style falls somewhere between attachment and unconditional, but then it’s just more labels.

I allow them to come to me, I have even had my 18 year old sleep in my bed, he wore his PJ’s, brought his own quilt, we were midst our family breakdown, he needed the security, to stay up late and talk it over and over, the next day, I had fed what he needed for now. I have no problem with this, to nurture always.

 

If and when they are grown and have struggles, when they  maybe soul searching and need to call me out on my  mistakes, I hope I can be vulnerable and open enough to the criticisms and stories in their lives they may hold, for their own journeys of growth and change.

 

Day One

Published March 10, 2016 by tangle2312

Today can’t come soon enough, I’m meeting our new landlord to pick up the keys, we will be in the house by the weekend.

The last year is finally over all most a year to the day since our family breakdown, or should I say our family makeover! We have spent the year stripping back the layers to get to the damage deep inside, you have to break, hit rock bottom to come out the other side with a new view, and I am looking from a very different place, What have I learnt? I have learnt to listen to my self, to allow every bit of pain  to flow through me, to cry when it comes, for each time I cried I was stripping back the layers of deep hurt and sadness, allowing my heart to remain open, I am learning to recognise my default patterns,  I have learnt that I need to value myself to the highest order, not just for me because if  don’t  value myself in turn my children will be following right behind me. For this year I will be back on the path to conscious  choices, with the focus on healthy boundaries, there will be a whole post for that one! I will fighting for what is fair for the children and I. Sadly we are headed towards the courts, it’s so often you are met with the judgements of  people who wouldn’t end up in the courts, people don’t seem to realise it takes two healthy minds to work together, I have tried, I can’t work with broken and that makes me so sad, because actually there is a person who has the potential to be a wonderful man, only life bit that person so hard on the ass, for many years I think I tried to save him, allow him to live his life in detriment of mine as he had been through more. No I am not blaming, nor shaming, I have my own ‘stuff’ to work on and vow to do so for the rest of my life. Writing it all down, albeit ‘over and over’ is my way of working through it all.  Now it’s our time, time the children and I came first and part of that is to partake in what makes us shine, to learn to walk from the toxic, and recognise the toxic in ourselves.  Also I am  knackered, my brain is foggy, I panic, I often can’t sleep,  and I feel disassociated  from people when in large groups, but I am well on my way…

The new house, a new page,  we will be living on the ‘breadline’ every penny will need to be counted and allocated. We will be going from living with the luxuries of organic foods, expensive natural beauty products, the luxury of going on small holidays will be gone. I am looking forward to budgeting, growing our food, learning to be healthy on very little, make do and mend!

Little Squirrel has been suffering from candida, this is because our diet is so poor right now, I look forward to cooking the foods we eat again, we are going to cut out the meat, the sugars, dairy and the complex carbs. It’s time to nurture ourselves again.

The foods we have been eating are what a huge percentage of our population eat everyday, it was the supermarkets promote, the fast food outlets,  our world is diseased inside and out, but there is the quiet reLOVEution simmering away underneath all that is evil in this world, the movement of gentle parenting, non-violent communication, organic living, permaculture, off grid living, compassionate healing and helping, the yogis, the gardeners, the artists, the carers. The LOVERS of the world…

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