Wading through the system

Published January 28, 2016 by tangle2312

After many months of pulling out all the stops to stay in the family home with the children, I put my hands up and say no more, something I should have done many moons ago, but still couldn’t find the strength to leave, still hanging on to the tiny glimmer of hope he would return you would both pull it out of the bag, you know dig real deep, but I did that for the last three years, putting out little branches in hope of a sparkle of a truer connection, a new formed intimacy to grow old together, but deep down had I been awake I have known for many years it is something he just can’t reach within himself, I must let go….

Here I am a 2 months off a year since our separation,my discard, it was the last year that spoke to me the most, really revealed where I had been all these years, living out my own pretend story of family life, had I have been awake I would have taken action many years ago, but instead I chose to walk in the toxicity of my inherited patterns it has been a long and arduous journey, perhaps I am a slow learner but delighted to be learning, the path consciousness is a sticky yet most beautifully chaotic journey, certainly my own journey any way but these are my patterns to chose to hold on to or to learn and move on to healthy new pastures and that is where we are surely headed…

I know now that what I experienced is akin to narcissistic abuse, I don’t feel I need to give it a label or a name, but when your story has a well known and researched pattern, it all slots into place, the manipulation and abuse you thought was normal because it is so familiar to you, it sits comfortably with you, you know it so well that is why it is so hard to see, because we as humans choose to sit in the seat of comfort, because it takes a lot of hard work and effort to put you self in the seat of the unfamiliar, the seat of freedom, well that is my little seed  and not just me but we three souls in my little family are reaching too bloom!

Well, I love the way my post meandered completely off topic to the title, covering none of my original ideas, and that is why my blog is so aptly named we be beautiful chaos!





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