All great things are preceded by chaos

Published February 12, 2016 by tangle2312

 

 

All great things are preceded by chaos

Edit Published February 12, 2016 by tangle2312

It’s amazing how often you hear the words, How did we get from there to here? What the hell happened? Home to homeless, but this is us, we are not looking in  from the outside..

The last year has quite possibly been the most crippling of my life so far, the impact as traumatic as I have ever known, but I’m fighting every day, to keep smiling, to keep loving, to keep the funking faith, I know why people turn to faith, in which ever guise it’s dressed up, but ultimately my faith in myself it’s what’s being asked of me, because my children need to trust me, they need to know I will make everything okay for them and little by little I plug away, a door shuts in my face, I kick it back open, plow forward a little more, for them, for us,  and remember, all great things are preceded by chaos.

Sitting at an old friends wondering how to cut a long story short, I loved a man, I loved him with everything I ever had, would have gone to any lengths to build a life, and did, we married, had children, I chased him for years, he gave me tit bits of  what I thought was beautiful love, but at the same time the authentic support was truly lacking, I have been crying for many years, to be heard, to be supported, to be looked after as a mutual respectful relationship, it wore me to the last of all I had, he knew it too. The strange odd behaviour, the odds comments, the utter selfishness of one person can be astounding, the lack of emotional connection to the children. I had to push away, no choice, I dumbed myself down, found my self in a fog trying to find the light, some people are so cowardly they make you do their work, he didn’t want me but I had to do the working it out. I have done it all everything, he has done, only what he wanted to do, unless on show of course, got to look good for the audience, family man and all that.

Then I got discarded, very swiftly, for his new ‘ego supply’. I had been ‘gone’ from the relationship a while don’t get me wrong, I  screamed and I shouted love me, love me, then I screamed I’m leaving, for a long time, I never did. I have since learnt about  trauma bonding, a  term developed by Patrick Cairns, I have learnt so much. People always want to question Why didn’t they leave? It’s really not that easy…

Trauma Bonding

Bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can be lost. It is cumulative and only gets greater, never smaller. Bonding grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, making love together, having children together, and being together during stress or difficulty. Bad times bond people as strongly as good times, perhaps more so.

Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. Bonding makes it hard to enforce boundaries, because it is much harder to keep away from people to whom we have bonded. In leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to judge the correctness of the decision by how hard it is, because it will always be hard.

 

The children I and decided to stay at home, our home for the last 15 years, I had asked him to leave, for the last 10 months I have experienced on going psychological abuse, there has not been a ‘normal’ healthy moment to work with regards to the children. Event’s that had led up to us leaving the family home were ruthless, finally finding ourselves without some of our basic needs, a decision had to be made, I could no longer go on doubting myself for things that happened, there comes a point you need to know your own mistakes are you own. And yes suffice to say I am perfectly sane, most days anyway!

For the safety of my own mind, and that of the children we left and have stayed with friends, do you know how utterly difficult it is to prove you haven’t made yourself intentionally homeless, armed with doctors letters, and support from family I still cannot get to where I would like to be. We have over stayed our welcome with wonderful friends who have gone above and beyond the call of duty for us, and I miss being us and our silly ways,  but we can’t go home, not now, too much has happened.

I have lost my business and home, it all happens so fast, before you can catch your breath, then you are faced fighting a system designed to break you, if you weren’t fighting to keep your head above water already, the  system designed to help you is breaking you too.

But I am a fighter, I keep coming back for more, but this time I walk from what does not serve, and I fight for freedom, freedom of mind and soul…

I am an emotional abuse survivor, I have carried my pattern a long time, I am breaking the cycle, for the women in my family who have walked before me, and for the little feet that tip toe after me…

Emotional abuse comes in many guises, silence, neglect, passive aggression, deflection, projection, critisism, devaluing, belittling, evading, avoiding. All these behaviours can be carried out in the subtlest of ways, you aren’t even aware it’s happening. I am lucky to have woken, I always believed everyone had access to their heart, now I know there are some people out there and they just don’t and that is a hard and sad fact of life. Keep on loving though…

An epic post of sorts, I will post my rawest writing’s on another blog, the letters I wrote, and my late night ramblings. This is finding me and in the process I am finding my tribe…

Where will we be in 6 months?

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