I have wondered to myself why she should get a mention here in what is my journal for moving forward, my place to record the smalls and their many escapades. Because whether I liked it or not she has now become a part of my children’s lives. I know nothing about her apart from the brief bit of stalking I did in the early days, which is nothing but natural, though I was accused of harassing his girlfriend a week after we separated!
I have to listen to stories of the weekend’s the children spend in her company and smile sweetly, as though I’m really pleased for them. I hear she won’t come to into Cornwall because of me, I hear it through the children, this troubles me. I would imagine a fine picture has been painted of me as the crazy, cold-hearted, ex-wife, or some similar generic bullshit men of this ilk seem to tell, though there are many women I’m sure who do the same. In reality it’s just pained people, hard to see that truth sometimes.
Well I digress, the question I repeatedly ask myself is how will I ever face the woman who happily walked into the back of my marriage, regardless of whether it was in trouble or not. We had a family it wasn’t just me you chose to walk all over, it was my children too. I say chose because she forgot to check with me where things were at, so I thought I’d give her a call, I asked her after a bit of a blow out to kindly take her self out of my marriage, and at least wait for 6 months while we ended it in our own way. What ever bullshit she was fed, she chose to take no notice, in fact she told me I was being ‘unhealthy’. Yep, you can safely say I did not feel at all well.
Some people may read and assume I blame her, I’m not blaming, I’m just talking about the choices made, I’m trying to get to a point where I can just talk about it without anger, as though it is a simple story, which in effect it is. The writing is cathartic, I get to read back, see where I’m sitting on judgement and try to change my own outlook, I need to purge, learn and grow and that it will take as long as it takes.
I have wanted to write for a long time, as much as I wish to open the door for the sake of my children, it is a struggle. My business wasn’t your business.
Have you ever considered that along with his father you have helped to show my son how to disrespect women, and I feel fierce about that. You have taught my daughter it’s okay to jump into bed with another woman’s husband, to be disloyal to her sister’s and wild women, that is a sad tale.
So yes I want to meet you, to know what sort of influence you will be for my children, I know they enjoy the company of your children. I hear you shouted at my daughter she’s 3 and barely knows you, she talks of crying alone in your daughter’s room, and you shouting at my son for sticking up for his sister. That is a concern to me. But I know there is very little I can do. I know their father and his fathering skills can be debatable at times, so to have a woman living with him that hopefully has a maternal bone in her body is important to me but I am dubious.
I received a letter back in January, from the social services, an ‘anonymous’ email was made, I had to laugh, there is no single one person that I know who would even consider I cannot meet the needs of my children. That was the most visceral attack upon my self and little family yet. I pretty certain it couldn’t have been him, he doesn’t do his own dirty work, some kind woman is probably picking up his pieces, speaking up for him, he hates confrontation, dear fellow! I’ve got that T-shirt, it’s an extra-large.
So the question is even a year later, am I at forgiveness with you yet, and the answer is I still don’t know.
It is one thing to be hurt by people who know and love you, but a complete stranger, well that is another ball game all together, and I’m still very much at odds with it.