Survivor

This page is dedicated to my recovery, then if you want to read the dedicated stuff it’s here, I will post useful links to other blogs and sites.

SURVIVOR IN RECOVERY

I want to talk about my recovery, the realisation that you don’t just get better just like that, along with the grieving process, not only grieving for the relationship, but also for the your family that was, I have also been suffering signs of posttraumatic stress, it feels like a process that has left the person who was me feel mentally stunted, like a 2 dimensional person, psychological abuse leaves it’s mark not on the outside but deep within, we all know that saying ‘only hurt people hurt people’  I have chosen relationships where my partners have had abuse in their childhoods, I myself grew up in a very controlled and manipulative environment,  so by default it has been a pattern I have chosen again, this time I want to learn.

I feel like there has been a rewiring in my brain, I am often ‘stuck’ stuck for words as my brain is truly foggy, an inability to think ‘of the cuff’ I am slow. I still wake thinking over things done and said wondering what was purposely done and what was unconscious, I don’t want to think these things, I am bored to tears with my brain being on repeat and replay, but I have no control over it.

I had months and months of counselling, this really help me to see what happened, even brought to light the fact I had suffered sexual abuse and didn’t even realise, I am not one to go on and on about things, my reasons for all the writing is to move myself forward, it’s here should you chose to read and may even help a fellow victim or survivor, every story should be told, and it is part of the new me, the me I don’t recognise and I need to get to know me.

 

This last couple of weeks I have enrolled on a project for survivors of abuse, physical and emotional. http://www.susieproject.org.uk/  I met women with different experiences but that all similarities running through them.  It really hits home, makes it real, not just a story you told yourself.

I know how small I have made my life, my comfort zone is tiny, I can have panic attacks in situations, not often but they will come from nowhere, all the things I used to do and love I’m scared to do now. I can only surround myself with the gentlest of humans as harshness in people creates ‘triggers’ to panic.

I am on a journey to recovery, I am not going to push it, and I do accept it takes time, I am also on a journey of discovery and that part I feel a flutter of magic inside, I know I have something good to give, and I look forward to sharing my beauty with you.

 

Looking back on a confident woman who has run businesses, been involved with  the school committee, run home education groups, a woman who danced from night till the sunrise, who played the fool, took chances, gave my children many experiences, it won’t be long and I’ll be back, hopefully a little wiser and  more comfortably worn!

 

Here is a little link to PTSD- http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/PTSD.html  I think I tick most boxes, I hope the some cognitive stuff will get me moving, and the new house, new chapters, big smiles!

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