Wow, wow, wow! What can I say our first month in our new nest is nearly done and dusted. You know when you feel you’ve come home, we’ll were here, we’re home. The children have really settled, Angel boy helping where he could, watching the care he took to put all of his belongings into place in his room, he’s met the neighbours children and zoomed of down the road on his scooter.
For the first time in months I feel nourished, I feel able to honour my soul with music and creativity, oh how I have missed you music, you are the backdrop to my world, I see the children thrive, watching their bodies naturally groove away. We are cooking wholesome soups and stews, to nourish our immune systems, and the garden has invited us to play, there are a bunch of Canada geese that fly over most evenings, the sunsets from out of the dining room window with the crimson skyline and piercing orange sun on it’s way to bed, well for us anyway.
We had to sell the television, best move we have made so far! I’m so glad we left that giant intrusive box behind, everyday there are paints or drawing projects scattered around, books we are reading, a pile of permaculture magazines and a head full of ideas.
Little Squirrel has a new mud café, having made firm friends with our neighbour, who is piling on the calories with the many mudcakes she consumes everyday! I love the way our neighbour offers me everything she is going to throw out, as though she already knows I’ll put most thing to good use. I can’t say I didn’t learn anything from my marriage I am truly grateful for our view to reduce, reuse, recycle there is an internal feeling of care when you care for the ground you walk upon. I am trying really hard to get to the end of the week with one bin bag, so far so good…
Money is tight, in fact it has been incredibly hard, but I have been supported by he most incredible bunch of humans this year, I have had friends and family giving me space and emotional support, then there has been practical support with food boxes and money, I am truly grateful and just hope this year I will reach back out to others.
They say it takes a good year, when a relationship breaks down, and I really do feel that corner has been turned, we are carving out a new life for ourselves, and most of the time I am really smiling, but there are moments, moments of overwhelming sadness, of where I miss my best friend, the man I’ve turned to for 15 years, the man I trusted with all my heart and soul, who I feel I no longer know at all. I am now in a place where I know it’s okay, I am allowed to still feel the aches and the pangs, it’s all part of the process.
I still feel pretty insular and know more could be done to put myself out there, but these kinds of experiences they change who you are, strip you to the core and tire you out. Your confidence gets battered, I felt someone had stolen my mojo, my banter, my laughter, but I have found my self giggling away, enjoying company rather than sitting in company, but away in my own mind. Love really is a crazy thing… but I’m so glad we had what we did, or at least glad I did anyway, even if we can’t look back together, I have my own memories and my own take on things, whatever happens, no matter how harsh the outcomes, I hope he will be truly and wholly happy.